I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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