I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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