So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
