I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
