I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize