I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
