just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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