I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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