Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
