paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
