Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
