Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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