I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize