The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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