Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Randomize
