ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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