im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
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