Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
