glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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