based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
