Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
