More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
