Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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