I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
