i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
