that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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