It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
