they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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