I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
