just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
