my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
