Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
