Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
