Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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