After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
there's paper in my vomit.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
