My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
