Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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