She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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