Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
