watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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