I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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