In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
