I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
