Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
