I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
