did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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