So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
