Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
