Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize