Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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