No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
