she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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