white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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