If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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