Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
