who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
