everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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