I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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