smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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