She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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