people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
