Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
