We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
