We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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