I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
