until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
