i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
