This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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